


For Reasons We Don't Understand

by wishfulwannabe



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Friends to Lovers, M/M, but not really, non-au, oh gosh so much angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-06
Updated: 2015-12-06
Packaged: 2018-05-05 08:43:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,598
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5368943
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wishfulwannabe/pseuds/wishfulwannabe
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"She hangs up quickly and Niall is stuck sitting in his empty house staring at his wall of guitars. His eyes linger towards his shelves of awards and pictures of the boys, and he gets stuck looking at one of him and Harry from when they first went to Mullingar together. His heart flutters slightly, and he groans, putting his head in his hands. He needs to do this."<br/>OR<br/>Niall falls in love with Harry but he can't cope with the fact that he did</p>
            </blockquote>





	For Reasons We Don't Understand

**Author's Note:**

> Hey y'all!  
> So I decided to procrastinate and ended up writing this little thing. It's not beta'd so sorry for any mistakes, they are completely mine!  
> Based off of an anon post on goniallandharry 's tumblr that said "not trying to be extra or a dark narrie or anything but WHAT IF the reason n**ll started hanging w selena is bc he realized that he was falling in love with harry but being the lil bitch ass he is he didn't want to ruin his "reputation" so he tries to ignore his feelings and go to a girl.......... poor harry"  
> This had to be done, I am so sorry  
> Please prepare yourself for a not so happy ending bc I am angsty af bc exams pce  
> -Emma xoxoxoxoxo

It’s not that Niall didn’t see it coming, but it kind of snuck up on him quickly. It was like one day he would look at Harry and see his best friend, and the next day he would see his future. He’s sure it was a long time coming, but it surely doesn’t feel like that when he glances over at Harry on stage and he literally can’t breathe. He honestly can’t breathe and that’s why he runs off stage.

“We’ve lost another one!” He hears Liam shout from on the stage and everyone laughs along to the joke. Harry starts talking about how they are dropping like flies, and they are going to be the next Take That and listening to his voice is not helping the air back into Niall’s lungs.

He puts his hands on his knees and sucks air in using deep breaths. He went to see a therapist once, a while back when the crowds started getting bad and he couldn’t control his claustrophobia by himself. The therapist taught Niall this trick when he felt like he was going to have a panic attack, but this doesn’t feel the same as one. It feels as if someone stomped on his heart and tore apart his lungs. This feels like a panic attack but it’s not, and it makes Niall want to have a panic attack so he can at least explain why he feels like this.

“Niall,” He hears someone whisper in his ear and a firm hand is pressed into his back. “Is everything alright?”

Niall turns his head and looks at Mark directly in the eyes, trying to tell him desperately that no everything is not okay. He tries to do it without actually telling him because he can’t even form words right now. Can’t put two and two together to tell him that he is indefinitely in love with his best friend.

“Fine,” Is what Niall ends up breathing out, standing up straight and rubbing his clammy hands up and down his pants. “I’m fine, ‘s just hot out there.”

Mark turns to grab a water bottle but Niall thinks he can’t swallow anything, not even the fact that he is in love with his best friend. Niall shakes his head and heads back out on stage, plastering a smile on his face, trying not to worry the fans or the boys. Especially one boy in particular.

“Sorry everyone, these lights were getting to me.” He looks at the other lads and sees Harry looking at him with these intense eyes, his eyebrows furrowing slightly.

“You okay?” Harry mouths to him and Niall just tips his head once. No, actually, he’s not okay.

~~~

Niall holds the phone to his ear and desperately hopes she’ll pick up. He needs to do this, he can’t risk anything happening with him and- “Niall?”

“Sel!” He shouts enthusiastically, tapping his fingers nervously on his leg. “How’s it going?”

He hears a laugh on the other end of the line and a door closing quietly. “It’s going, Nialler. What’s up in London, rockstar?”

Gosh he’s really missed her. “Not much, just finished our last show of the tour.”

“Oh babe, are you okay? It’s all good, yeah?”

“Yeah, yeah,” Not really. “It’s all good.” That’s a lie. “I really miss you, Sel.” That’s not so much a lie, but he feels as though he’s forced it a bit. Or a lot.

“I miss you too, Nialler. When do you come to LA again?” She asks softly, and Niall thinks she’s at a party with all the bass in the background. 

“Get in on the 16th I believe, going on Ellen on the 17th and Kimmel on the 19th,” Niall sorts through his schedule in his head and almost groans out loud at the lack of sleep he is going to get in the next month or so. “Staying until the 5th of December, at least.”

He hears a light knock in the background of the other line and now he knows she is at a party, that she’s probably locked herself in a bathroom just to talk to him. He wants to feel bad but then he remembers the iTunes festival and then he doesn’t feel so bad. 

“That’s great, lots of time to catch up, yeah?” Selena says softly into his ear. Always such a sweet girl. “Listen, Ni, I gotta go. But we can catch up after your promo slows down, alright?”

Niall nods his head but then he remembers he is on the phone. “Yeah, yeah, for sure. Have a nice night, Sel.”

“Thanks love, you too,” She hangs up quickly and Niall is stuck sitting in his empty house staring at his wall of guitars. His eyes linger towards his shelves of awards and pictures of the boys, and he gets stuck looking at one of him and Harry from when they first went to Mullingar together. His heart flutters slightly, and he groans, putting his head in his hands. He needs to do this.

~~~

“Niall!” Selena shouts from across the room, coming at him with her arms open.

“Sel!” He shouts back, adding a laugh to the end. 

She wraps him up in her arms and gives him a tight squeeze. Her perfume is overwhelming, and not in a bad way either. He gives her a kiss on the cheek and pulls out of the hug, looking over her face carefully, taking in the way she has changed since the last time he saw her.

“Did you want a picture,” She laughs and it snaps him out of his gaze. He simply smiles and kisses her on the cheek again, enticing a laugh from her lips. “What’s up with all the love today, huh?”

He snuggles his face into her neck again and breathes her in. Yeah, this could work. “Just missed you, Selly.”

She scoffs and smacks the back of his head lightly. “Don’t call me that, dummy.”

“And dummy is better?” He whispers into her neck and she freezes slightly, raking her fingers through his hair where her hand was already settled from hitting him. He hums slightly, enjoying the feel of her nails scraping against his scalp.

“Don’t fall asleep on me, yeah?” She laughs into his ear and he pulls back, his eyes a bit bleary. 

“And don’t mess up your hair, Niall,” Lou shrieks from the other end of the room where she is currently touching up Liam’s hair. “You made me redo it twice.”

“But it looks great, Lou!” He shout back, hearing a yeah yeah thrown back in return. He looks at Selena again, her long hair cascading down her back, her legs on show. “You look great.”

“Thanks, babe,” Selena responds, her cheeks pinking up slightly. Niall’s heart drops a little. “You don’t look to bad yourself, I guess. These glasses are really working for you.”

Niall chuckles, pretending to flip his hair behind his shoulder. “Well, with this hair I have to break the stereotype somehow.”

Selena barks out a laugh, her hand going to cover her mouth after. Niall’s head hurts because that reminds him of his certain best friend that he is certain he is in love with and he is certain he can’t do anything about that.

“Selena,” A woman calls into the dressing room and Sel looks back at her. “You’re on stage soon.”

“Well, damn,” She pouts, turning back to Niall. Her eyes are practically shining. But they aren’t green and they don’t have these bushy eyebrows surrounding them. “I’ll see you at the after party, right Niall?”

“Yeah for sure,” He leans in and gives her one last peck on the cheek, letting her go with the woman who called for her.

“So,” He hears a deep voice whisper in his ear and he jumps, goosebumps prickling up and down his skin. “Selena, huh?”

“What about her?” He turns around and meets green eyes and pink lips pulled into a deep pout.

Harry shrugs, slipping his hands into the pockets of his ridiculous floral pants. “You two seemed close.”

Niall mirrors Harry’s shrug, and reaches up to fiddle with his glasses. He wore them as a joke at first, then the fans started complementing how good he looks in them. And also, Harry stated multiple times how handsome he looks with them, so maybe that might be a reason. Or, the only reason. “We’ve always been close.”

“Yeah, but, not that close,” Harry mumbles and toes the tip of his shoe with his other foot.

“Well, things happen, Harry,” Niall snaps and Harry’s eyebrows raise, giving Niall a once over. “Sorry, long day,” He sighs and steps back a bit. When did Harry get that close?

“It’s fine,” Harry shrugs again, his shoulders slumping over even more than before. “Are you guys a thing now, or something?”

Niall sighs, glancing down at his feet. Lately he’s been wearing these crazy socks and the fans have noticed. Harry has too, started picking up socks whenever he would go out and giving them to Niall with a huge grin on his face. “It might be. I think I like her, so I guess we’ll see what happens.”

Niall swears he sees Harry’s smile drop and his heart picks up speed a little. “Well, good luck heartbreaker,” Harry smirks at him, winking and walking away quickly to where Xander is standing in the corner of the room. Niall hates him. A lot.

~~~

“You coming, Harry?” Liam asks while the rest of them are walking towards the car that will take them to the after party. 

“Uh,” Harry stops when Xander and Jeff stumble out behind them, laughing and overall making a lot of unnecessary noise. “I’m going out with these guys, sorry.”

“All good, yeah?” Louis smiles tight lipped, glancing over at Niall quickly. Niall’s not sure why. “C’mon lads, let’s get going.”

The three other boys head into their car, Niall giving Harry one last glance and Harry meets his eyes with his own apologetic ones. Niall just shakes his head and closes the car door behind him.

“So, Niall,” Louis starts, turning his body from where he is sitting in the middle row of the car. Niall is sat by himself in the back because it makes him feel less claustrophobic back here by himself. “Harry’s been ditching a lot lately, huh?”

“So?” Niall tries to be nonchalant, he really does, but he’s a singer after all, not a triple threat whatsoever. 

Liam hits Louis on the arm and Niall is very confused right now. “That doesn’t bother you?” Louis asks and Liam sighs, slumping against the car window in defeat. What the fuck?

“What the fuck?” Niall voices his thoughts, his eyes sweeping between Louis and a very disgruntled Liam. “Why would I be bothered?”

“Just asking,” Louis smirks, turning around slowly in his seat.

Niall wants to say he’s not worried, but the way his stomach is practically in his ass at the moment says otherwise. “Fucking weirdos.” He mumbles, pulling his phone out of his pocket as it buzzes against his leg.

_Can’t wait to see you again_

Niall smiles, texting a quick response back to Selena. Something along the lines that he wants to get fucked tonight. He doesn’t text it, but in his head he tells himself he wants to be fucked in more than just one way.

~~~

Niall’s lounging in his hotel room, playing around with the TV while he waits for someone to come get him so he can go to sound check for the Jingle Ball show.

There’s a soft knock on his door, and Niall flicks off the TV and grabs his phone, shoving it in his back pocket. “Coming, give me a sec!” He slips on his shoes and opens the door, expecting Basil but getting his best friend in return. “Harry?”

“Hey, Ni,” Harry whispers, smiling sadly and Niall can see the red around his eyes. What the fuck? “Can I come in?”  
Niall doesn’t respond, just opens the door to let Harry in and closes the door behind him. He toes off his shoes and Niall scoffs. Even when they’re in a hotel, Harry is still polite. 

“What’s wrong, Haz?” Niall asks, sitting beside Harry on the couch he has made himself comfortable on. 

“He was using me to fuck girls,” Harry mumbles, letting out a breath of air, just like the one he does when he tries to stop himself from crying. 

“Who, Harry?” Niall asks softly, placing a hand on his shoulder. Niall already knows the answer.

“Xander,” Harry chokes on his name, and places a hand over his mouth where he is trying to hold back his sobs. “He was fucking dropping my name in order to fuck girls. Who the fuck does that?”

Niall watches Harry closely, taking in his red cheeks and his chewed nails. Usually they look perfectly fine, unlike Niall’s own which he gnaws on daily.  
“I’m sorry, Haz.”

“Why do I always pick the shittiest people to surround myself,” Harry whines, collapsing his forehead onto Niall’s shoulder, rubbing his wet eyes against his shirt. “Sorry.”

“Nah it’s fine, was gonna change anyways. We’re too matchy,” Niall looks down at his own floral shirt then glances at Harry’s similar pattern. No wonder the fans have been saying he’s taken on Harry’s wardrobe. “Besides, you don’t think I’m shitty, do you?”

“Maybe just a little,” Harry mumbles into Niall’s shoulder and Niall lets out a soft chuckle, stroking at the hair at the back of Harry’s head. Niall never thought he would let it get this long but he hasn’t stopped growing it, and apparently won’t stop either. “You’re the greatest, Nialler,” Harry turns his head into Niall’s neck, his lips softly grazing against Niall’s pulse point.

“Harry,” Niall gasps, gripping slightly harder that the hair he’s already holding onto. Surprisingly, Harry lets out a quiet moan and Niall’s heart speeds up. “Haz,” He says again, but Harry presses his lips harder to Niall’s neck and now Niall knows it wasn’t an accident. 

“Niall,” Harry says his name against his skin like he wants to tattoo it with his lips. Niall closes his eyes and lets him. Lets him claim his neck to his lips so that everyone knows. Lets him push his lips harder against his pulse point, lets his teeth graze a soft but sure line against his skin. 

“Niall, it’s me,” He hears a soft voice call from outside his door, three quick knocks following. 

“Fuck,” Niall whispers, pushing Harry off of him. “Coming, Sel!” He calls out, fixing his hair which he is sure is dishevelled, and presses down on his half hard crotch. Fuck.

“Why is she here?” Harry asks, looking up at Niall with pleading eyes and Niall wishes he could. He wishes he could ignore the girl outside his door and let Harry continue to trace a pattern of his lips on his neck. He wishes he could let himself fall into the deep dark hole that is Harry but he can’t. He just can’t.

Niall opens the door and Selena hugs him immediately, wrapping her tiny arms around his waist and burying her head in his shirt. 

“Why are you wet?” She giggles, pulling back and brushing her hand over his shoulder where Harry’s tears and soft spoken words still lay. “Oh it doesn’t matter, come here,” She grips his collar and pulls his lips down to meet hers in a solid kiss. He tries to force his stomach to feel something, but there is nothing but a dead weight in the pit of his abdomen. 

Selena pulls back, looks over Niall’s shoulder and gasps. “Hey, Selena,” Harry says, his voice sounding nothing like it did a couple minutes ago. He must give her a wave because she holds up her hand and gives him one as well.

“Hi, Harry,” She mutters, embarrassed that he just caught her and Niall kissing. “Are you ready to go?” She turns to Niall and asks him, fixing his collar where she had gripped it too tight.

“Yeah, can you just give me a sec? I’ll find you in the hall,” Niall says, practically pushing her into the hallway.

Once she’s out the door he turns to Harry and gives him a small smile. It’s not reciprocated.

“So you are together,” Harry whispers, turning his head to the side like he’s been slapped. 

“Yeah, I guess you could say that,” Niall responds, stepping into the room to get a better look at Harry. 

“Why?”

“What do you mean why, Haz? What’s it matter to you?” Niall snaps and he regrets it the second the words come out of his mouth, especially with the way Harry winces. It’s like the words sting him as much as Niall’s neck does where Harry’s teeth just were. “I’m sorry, I-“

“No, I get it,” Harry snaps back and Niall is the one who winces this time. “I just thought you would have told me. I thought we were best friends.”

“We are,” Niall says quickly, trying to get Harry to stay so he can explain because Harry’s just stood up and he can’t let him walk out of his life, not when they are so close to the hiatus. “It’s new, okay Harry. It only happened about a week ago. We’ve been so busy I haven’t had time to tell you.”

“Why are you with her Niall?” Harry asks surely, standing his ground with his fists by his side. 

“That’s a stupid question, Haz, and you know it,” Niall states back just as grounded to his argument as Harry is. As Harry seems. “I like her, she likes me, and we are going on break soon. I’ll finally have the time to get myself a proper girlfriend.”

Harry shakes his head at the word girlfriend, moving to walk past Niall but Niall is quicker and grabs his wrist. “Let go of me, Niall.”

“No, why are you so pissed off about this?” Niall demands, pulling on Harry’s wrist lightly to get him to look at Niall. 

“Because I know you’re lying,” Harry yanks his wrist from Niall’s grip but it’s no use. “Just tell me the truth.”

“I’m not lying, Harry,” Niall desperately tries to persuade Harry. Tries to cover up the fact that yes he is lying and he is slowly dying because of it.

“Yes you are!” Harry practically yells and Niall wants to clamp his hand over his mouth because Sel is right outside of the door and she could hear everything. “Stop lying to me, Niall. You’re my best friend.”

“That’s why I’m lying!” Niall finally breaks and throws his hands in the air, shocking Harry into a stand still. “We’re best friends, and that’s why I’m lying.”

“I don’t understand. Why would you-“

“Because I’m in love with someone who thinks of me solely as their best friend,” And it’s finally out there. It’s not like Niall’s never said it out loud. He has, plenty of times. Like to the mirror. Or to the wall of a hotel room. Or to Liam’s dog when he was sure Liam was in the other room out of earshot. But this is the first time he says it to someone who will listen. “Is that what you wanted to hear? That I’m only dating Selena because I can’t bear the fact that I am in love with you? That I’m scared out of my mind so I have to go find someone to distract me? That I’m basically using a good friend of mine to stop thinking about how much I love you?”

“No,” Harry says simply and that’s it, Niall guesses. There is his answer.

“Goodbye, Harry.”

“Wait, Niall,” Harry chases after him and gets in front of him and the door. “That’s not what I meant, Niall. I just-“

“I’m moving on Harry, don’t worry,” Niall rolls his eyes and reaches for the door handle but Harry grabs his wrist first. “C’mon, Harry. Let me go.”

“I can’t let you go.” Niall finally meets Harry’s eyes and there are so many emotions swimming around in the green pools he can’t decipher what Harry really means. “I can’t. Not when we’re so close to break.”

“Do you love me, Harry?” Niall asks and Harry raises his eyebrows in shock. Like he didn’t expect Niall to ask that question or get straight to the point the way he did. 

“I, Niall, I just, I can’t-“

“Exactly,” Niall cuts him off and yanks the door open, Harry’s grip falling easily from the handle. “See you later, Haz.”

Niall exits the room swiftly, walks towards the end of the hallway where Selena is waiting quietly on her phone. Niall leans in and kisses her hard, hoping that he can get rid of what just happened in the room. How he let go of the one he loves. How he admitted everything and now there is no going back. How he might never see Harry again after this break that may turn indefinite. 

Selena laughs into the kiss and pulls away, her hands on his cheeks. “Is everything okay?” Selena asks, looking into his eyes and god he wishes they were green so he could maybe pretend that he loved her.

“Yeah,” He says, grabbing her hands and holding them in his. They are too small. “I’m fine,” And that’s a lie. This whole thing is.

“Okay,” She smiles, pecking his lips once again. But no. It’s not okay.


End file.
